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Cosmic Treason (January 2007)

2008-06-07T18:25:43Z

Lydiaclaire:

{{MasterHeader|author=Dr. R.C. Sproul|partnerurl=http://www.ligonier.org|partner=Ligonier Ministries|date=January 2007|other=|categorytopic=Sin|mediatype=article|lang=English|editor=n/a|translator= n/a|levels=0|reviewed=Not Reviewed|newtitle=Cosmic Treason}} 

The question, “What is sin?” is raised in the Westminster Shorter Catechism. The answer provided to this catechetical question is simply this: “Sin is any want of conformity to or transgression of the law of God.”

Let us examine some of the elements of this catechetical response. In the first instance, sin is identified as some kind of want or lack. In the middle ages, Christian theologians tried to define evil or sin in terms of privation (''privatio'') or negation (''negatio''). In these terms, evil or sin was defined by its lack of conformity to goodness. The negative terminology associated with sin may be seen in biblical words such as '''''dis'''''obedience, ''god'''less'''ness'', or '''''im'''''morality. In all of these terms, we see the negative being stressed. Further illustrations would include words such as ''dishonor'', ''antichrist'', and others.

However, to gain a complete view of sin, we have to see that it involves more than a negation of the good, or more than a simple lack of virtue. We may be inclined to think that sin, if defined exclusively in negative terms, is merely an illusion. But the ravages of sin point dramatically to the reality of its power, which reality can never be explained away by appeals to illusion. The reformers added to the idea of ''privatio'' the notion of actuality or activity, so that evil is therefore seen in the phrase, “''privatio actuosa''.” This stresses the active character of sin. In the catechism, sin is defined not only as a want of conformity but an act of transgression, an action that involves an overstepping or violation of a standard.

In order to grasp the meaning of sin, we cannot define it apart from its relationship to law. It is God’s law that determines what sin is. In the New Testament, the apostle Paul, particularly in Romans, labors the point that there is an inseparable relationship between sin and death and between sin and law. The simple formula is this: No sin equals no death. No law equals no sin. The apostle argues that where there is no law, there is no sin, and where there is no sin, there is no death. This rests upon the premise that death invades the human experience as an act of divine judgment for sin. It is the soul who sins that dies. However, without law there can be no sin. Death cannot enter into the human experience until first God’s law is revealed. It is for this reason that the apostle argues that the moral law was in effect before God gave Israel the Mosaic code. The argument rests upon the premise that death was in the world before Sinai, that death reigned from Adam to Moses. This can only mean that God’s moral law was given to His creatures long before the tablets of stone were delivered to the nation of Israel.

This gives some credence to Immanuel Kant’s assertion of a universal moral imperative that he called the ''categorical imperative'', which is found in the conscience of every sentient person. Since it is God’s law that defines the nature of sin, we are left to face the dreadful consequences of our disobedience to that law. What the sinner requires in order to be rescued from the punitive aspects of this law is what Solomon Stoddard called a righteousness of the Law. Just as sin is defined by a lack of conformity to the Law, or transgression of the Law, the only antidote for that transgression is obedience to the Law. If we possess such obedience to the Law of God, we are in no danger of the judgment of God.

Solomon Stoddard, the grandfather of Jonathan Edwards, wrote in his book, ''The Righteousness of Christ'', the following summation of the value of the righteousness of the Law: “It is sufficient for us if we have the righteousness of the law. There is no danger of our miscarrying if we have that righteousness. The security of the angels in Heaven is that they have the righteousness of the law, and it is a sufficient security for us if we have the righteousness of the law. If we have the righteousness of the law, then we are not liable to the curse of the law. We are not threatened by the law; justice is not provoked with us; the condemnation of the law can take no hold upon us; the law has nothing to object against our salvation. The soul that has the righteousness of the law is out of the reach of the threatenings of the law. Where the demand of the law is answered, the law finds no fault. The law curses only for lack of perfect obedience. Yea, moreover, where there is the righteousness of the law, God has bound himself to give eternal life. Such persons are heirs of life, according to the promise of the law. The law declared them heirs of life, Galatians 3:12, ‘The man that doth them, shall live in them’” (''The Righteousness of Christ'', p. 25).

The only righteousness that meets the requirements of the Law is the righteousness of Christ. It is only by imputation of that righteousness that the sinner can ever possess the righteousness of the Law. This is critical for our understanding in this day where the imputation of the righteousness of Christ is so widely under attack. If we abandon the notion of the righteousness of Christ, we have no hope, because the Law is never negotiated by God. As long as the Law exists, we are exposed to its judgment unless our sin is covered by the righteousness of the Law. The only covering that we can possess of that righteousness is that which comes to us from the active obedience of Christ, who Himself fulfilled every jot and tittle of the Law. His fulfilling of the Law in Himself is a vicarious activity by which He achieves the reward that comes with such obedience. He does this not for Himself but for His people. It is the background of this imputed righteousness, this rescue from the condemnation of the Law, this salvation from the ravages of sin that is the backdrop for the Christian’s sanctification, in which we are to mortify that sin that remains in us, since Christ has died for our sin.

Paul, a Servant of Jesus Christ

2008-06-07T18:21:45Z

Lydiaclaire:

{{MasterHeader|author=Dr. R.C. Sproul|partnerurl=http://www.ligonier.org|partner=Ligonier Ministries|date=July 2006|other=|categorytopic=Biblical Studies|mediatype=article|lang=English|editor=n/a|translator= n/a|levels=0|reviewed=Not Reviewed|newtitle=Paul, a Servant of Jesus Christ}} 

When I look back over forty years of teaching, I sometimes think I must be the most inarticulate writer and speaker in the history of the world. I wonder about that when I read interpretations of my teaching from the pens of other people, particularly from those who are hostile to what I declare. Frequently the distortions are so great that I cannot recognize my own position in the criticism. It may be helpful in trying to interpret mine or any other teacher’s declarations by looking at their geographical backgrounds. I grew up in the city of Pittsburgh, in a blue-collar environment, yet in a white-collar home, and so one can see that the perspective I have on life will differ from those people who grew up in southern California or Alabama. Nevertheless, to interpret my teachings simply on the basis of my Pittsburgh background would be utter nonsense. My perspective is not identical to every person who ever grew up in Pittsburgh. In like manner, one could examine my educational background and look at the viewpoints of my main mentors. As a student of G.C. Berkouwer in the Netherlands, one can certainly see dimensions of influence on my thought from that theologian. But to identify my general approach in theology to Berkouwer’s would be to distort my own views. It would even be incorrect to identify my theology totally with that of my main mentor, the late John H. Gerstner. The reason for this is that I have had many mentors in addition to those I’ve already mentioned, and also, through my own studies of the Bible and of church history, I have developed some positions that one cannot find in these other people. Still, it may be valuable from time to time to examine the background and education of theologians to get a deeper understanding of their teachings. Such investigation indeed may be beneficial while at the same time perilous.

I mentioned my own experience simply to call attention to a much greater issue, one that far transcends how people interpret or misinterpret me, namely, how we go about seeking a correct understanding of the biblical writers in general and for the benefit of this issue of ''Tabletalk'', the teaching of the apostle Paul in particular. In the New Testament, Paul himself indicates in one of his defenses that he was from Tarsus, which he describes as no mean city. Tarsus was a city that was cosmopolitan in antiquity, and, as a melting pot, it became a place where the exchange of many diverse ideas commonly took place. That Paul was exposed to views that arose beyond the borders of his own home town is something we can take virtually for granted. Paul goes on to cite his background as a student at the feet of the renowned rabbi Gamaliel. It is without doubt that Paul’s thinking was shaped to some degree by his great mentor Gamaliel. We know that Paul was immersed academically in the content of the Old Testament as well as in the writings of the rabbinic scholars of his day. But to interpret Paul solely on the grounds of the teachings of the rabbinic scholars of antiquity would be to negate critical factors of influence in the development of Paul’s thought.

In our day, two very significant movements have occurred in biblical scholarship that have brought with it deleterious effects on biblical doctrine. The first such development is what is called “atomistic” exegesis or interpretation. This approach to the Scriptures sees the individual books and individual passages of those books, the “atom bits of teaching,” as ideas that must be interpreted only in their immediate contexts and not in the context of the whole scope of Scripture, or even of the whole scope of a particular writer’s expressions. For example, one scholar may say he will interpret Paul’s teaching of justification as set forth in Ephesians without any consideration of what Paul said of the doctrine in Galatians or in Romans. Each passage is treated as an atom of insight, and whether that atom coheres with bits of teaching found elsewhere in the author’s writing or in the whole of Scripture is irrelevant. The Reformation rule of interpreting the Bible — that the Bible is its own interpreter and that we are not to set one portion of Scripture against another — is thrown to the winds in this approach. Indeed, even among professing evangelicals, to insist on coherency in the Word of God is to offend them. They have bought into the notion of relativism, that even the Bible, as the inspired Word of God, can at times be contradictory and incoherent, because coherency and consistency are virtues that theologians impose upon our doctrine of God and are not to be found in the Scriptures themselves. This approach to biblical interpretation and to the doctrine of God is utterly fatal.

But beyond the epidemic influence of atomistic exegesis is the current vogue of interpreting New Testament writers in terms of rabbinic Judaism, particularly with respect to Paul. Since Paul himself was an expert in rabbinic thought, the conclusion is reached (by a gratuitous leap) that all Paul’s teaching can be made clear by looking at the background of rabbinic teaching that formed Paul’s perspective. Indeed, even the so-called “new perspective” on Paul involves an attempt to reconstruct the old perspective that Paul himself brought to the doctrines of the New Testament, which perspective was basically shaped by rabbinic views.

This approach to Pauline interpretation involves two crucial errors. The first is that it assumes no room for the supreme influence on Paul of his right theological expressions, namely, the superintendence of the Holy Ghost, while the apostle, acting as an agent of revelation, set forth his doctrine. Equally important is the ignoring of the radical transformation that occurred to Paul by his encounter with Jesus on the road to Damascus. Paul himself claims Jesus as the supreme influence in shaping his thought, not Gamaliel or the rabbinic scholars of antiquity. We notice that when Paul writes his letters, he does not identify himself by saying, “Paul, a bond servant or slave of Gamaliel.” No, he says, “Paul, a bond slave of Jesus Christ.” It is the teaching of Christ, who revealed His perspective and His own mind to Paul, that stands as the supreme foundation for Pauline theology. To ignore that is to assume no real conversion, no real changing of Paul’s mind, no real transformation of Paul’s thinking. To gain insight into Paul, it may help to study his background, but when we look at that background as a control for Paul’s expression, we fall into the trap of the worst kind of deconstruction.

Apostle to the Gentiles

2008-06-07T18:09:24Z

Lydiaclaire:

{{MasterHeader|author=Dr. Thomas R. Schreiner|partnerurl=http://www.ligonier.org|partner=Ligonier Ministries|date=July 2006|other=|categorytopic=Missions|mediatype=article|lang=English|editor=n/a|translator= n/a|levels=0|reviewed=Not Reviewed|newtitle=Apostle to the Gentiles}} 

Paul’s conversion on the Damascus Road also represented his calling to serve as a missionary to the nations. The Lord made it clear when Paul was converted that he was “a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel” (Acts 9:15). Paul’s role as a missionary is captured by the words Jesus spoke to him on the Damascus Road according to Acts 26:18: “...to open their eyes, so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.” Paul was God’s chosen instrument to bring God’s saving message to the ends of the earth.

It is crucial to see that Paul’s role as a missionary to the nations fulfills Old Testament prophecy. In “the fullness of time” God sent forth His Son, Jesus Christ (Gal. 4:4). Christ’s ministry, death, and resurrection fulfilled the salvation predicted in the Old Testament. It was never God’s intention, however, that the saving message would be restricted to Israel. When God chose Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, He emphasized that all nations would be blessed through them (Gen. 12:3; 18:18; 26:4; 28:14). This promised universal blessing did not become a reality during Old Testament times. Indeed, the Lord did not intend for the nations to be saved on a large scale until the coming of the Christ, for the glory of Jesus is maximized when the peoples of the world are saved by calling on His name and knowing the great salvation He accomplished.

Paul, then, enjoyed the great privilege, as one who lived on the other side of the cross, of bringing the good news of Jesus Christ to both Jews and Gentiles. In the book of Acts, three different missionary journeys are recorded: Paul’s first trip took place in AD 47–48 (along with Barnabas) to the island of Cyprus and to cities in modern day Turkey (Acts 13–14). The second trip (ad 49–52) included re-visiting churches established on the first missionary journey in modern day Turkey, and then Paul and his companions crossed the Aegean Sea and planted churches in Macedonia and Greece (Acts 15:36–18:22). The third journey (Acts 18:23–21:36, ad 52–55) included visiting churches already established, and includes Paul’s extended stay in Ephesus. When Paul returned to Jerusalem, a riot started in the city, and he was imprisoned for a number of years in both Caesarea (ad 57–59) and Rome (ad 60–62). Even during his imprisonment, Paul continued to proclaim the Gospel before kings and rulers and all who were in contact with him. There is good reason to believe the tradition that Paul was released from prison after his first Roman imprisonment, and that he continued to preach the Gospel in various places, and probably traveled to Spain to preach the Gospel there. We do not know the details, but Paul was likely arrested again and beheaded in Rome around AD 65.

We should not think that Paul was the only apostle who preached the Gospel outside of the land of Israel, or that he was the only one who brought the good news to the Gentiles. We need to recall that the Acts of the Apostles is not a comprehensive story of the missionary activity of the apostles. Indeed, the only apostles that receive any significant attention in Acts are Peter and Paul. It does not follow from this that the rest of the apostles were failures and did not engage in ministry. Indeed, there is significant evidence from history that many of the apostles proclaimed the Gospel outside Israel. Luke never intended to write an exhaustive account of the missionary labors of the early church.

The focus on Paul’s mission to the Gentiles in the New Testament, however, is very significant, for in the fullness of time the Lord raised up Paul as the theologian of the new missionary endeavor. Paul was theologically trained as a Pharisee, and hence had a profound knowledge of the Old Testament. He grasped that the ministry, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ fulfilled the promise given to Abraham that all nations would be blessed through Abraham’s seed. Paul understood that Jesus was the seed of Abraham (Gal. 3:16). By His resurrection He was enthroned as the Messianic King, so that He was clearly the heir to David’s throne, the promised Messiah, and the Son of God (Rom. 1:3-4;2 Tim. 2:8).

The pouring out of the Spirit upon the Gentiles (see Gal. 3:1–5, 14) represented the fulfillment of God’s promise that in the last times He would pour out His Spirit. Many Old Testament prophecies taught that when the days of fulfillment arrived the Lord would bless His people with the Holy Spirit (for example, Isa. 32:15; 44:3; Ezek. 11:18–19; 36:26–27; Joel 2:28). The pouring out of the Spirit upon both Jews and Gentiles on the basis of Christ’s life, death, resurrection, and ascension signaled that the last days had arrived. When Paul proclaimed the Gospel on his missionary journeys, he argued that the fulfillment of all of salvation history had arrived in Jesus. The new covenant was now a reality in Jesus (Jer. 31:31–34). The Law was no longer written on tablets only, but the Spirit was now implanted on human hearts (2 Cor. 3). The forgiveness of sins promised by Jeremiah was now a reality by virtue of the atoning death of Jesus Christ.

Paul keenly understood the significance of the fulfillment of the promise of salvation in Jesus Christ. In the old era, Jews and Gentiles were separated from one another. The Jews were God’s covenant people, and the Gentiles were by and large outside the circle of God’s saving promises (Eph. 2:11–12). But with the coming of Jesus, the old era had come to an end. Now Jews and Gentiles were united as members of God’s household by virtue of Christ’s work on the cross (Eph. 2:13–22). They were now members of the same body and heirs of the same promise (Eph. 3:6). The salvation of the Gentiles in Christ was not plan B, but the fulfillment of what God intended when he pledged to save many nations through Abraham.

Paul also realized at the Damascus Road that the message for his mission was justification by faith alone. Gentiles did not become members of the people of God by keeping the Mosaic law and abiding by the Sinai covenant. Indeed, no one could be righteous by the works of the Law since “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Rom. 3:23). He proclaimed to the Gentiles that the only way to be right with God is through faith in Jesus Christ as the crucified and risen Lord. Moreover, Paul grasped that the Mosaic covenant was no longer in force with the coming of Jesus the Christ (Rom. 7:4–6; 2 Cor. 3:4–18; Gal. 3:15–4:7). The Mosaic covenant was an interim covenant, intended to regulate the Jewish people until the coming of faith in the Christ. Hence, when false teachers following on the heels of Paul’s mission insisted that the recent Gentile converts observe the Mosaic law and practice circumcision, Paul denounced them for preaching a false gospel. They were turning the clock back in salvation history and insisting that Gentiles behave as Jews to join the people of God. Further, they were perverting the Gospel by teaching that people became right with God by works rather than faith.

One final dimension of Paul’s life as a missionary should be mentioned. A striking feature of Paul’s ministry is the suffering he endured as a missionary. Paul’s sufferings, of course, were not atoning like the sufferings of Jesus Christ. But the sufferings Paul endured were the means by which the Gospel was extended to the nations. Even though Paul’s sufferings were not atoning as Christ’s were, they were a corollary to Christ’s sufferings. They testified to the preciousness and beauty of the Gospel, since Paul was willing to give his life and even break his body to bring the Gospel to the nations. As Paul teaches in Colossians 1:24–29, God ordained that Paul’s sufferings would be the means by which those who had not heard the message would hear the good news. For Paul believed that preaching the Gospel to all peoples was absolutely crucial. No human being can be saved through the revelation that comes through nature, for all people reject this witness and are therefore left without excuse (Rom. 1:18–32). The only pathway to salvation is through hearing and believing the good news about Jesus Christ (Rom. 10:13–17). People must call upon the name of the Lord to be saved. Hence, Paul was willing to suffer remarkably to bring the message of life to the nations.

Paul was uniquely called of God in the fullness of time. He understood the significance of the Gospel in the light of the Old Testament. Paul was no ivory tower theologian. He was a risk-taking missionary, who suffered to bring the good news revealed to him on the Damascus Road to the ends of the earth.

Be Imitators of Me

2008-06-07T17:54:14Z

Lydiaclaire:

{{MasterHeader|author=Dr. John Nunes|partnerurl=http://www.ligonier.org|partner=Ligonier Ministries|date=July 2006|other=|categorytopic=Church Leadership|mediatype=article|lang=English|editor=n/a|translator= n/a|levels=0|reviewed=Not Reviewed|newtitle=Be Imitators of Me}} 

We need better leaders! That’s a perception these days — that what’s needed most in churches is upgrading the quality of its leadership. Too often, this is defined secularly, in terms of vision implementation, strategic planning, and management models. Whether or not this so-called lack of leadership is the primary problem, there are biblical models of mentoring. These godly lifestyle patterns for transferring effectively the faith will prove helpful to leaders in strengthening their local churches.

The writings of Saint Paul especially demonstrate how the informal networks of mentoring work, most often toward a missional aim. Paul’s co-worker, co-writer, and co-citizen was Silas, who, like Paul, was a Jewish citizen of Rome. Silas used his passport, his passion, and his personal relationship with Paul to proclaim the Gospel to the world. Dr. Jerry Kosberg, a coach and counselor to mentors, defines a mentor as “somebody who has moved a little further down the road than you have.” Mentors often possess ''maps'' to get around the distracting traps presented alluringly by the Devil, the world, and our own inevitable corruption. For example, Paul dares to offer his own experience as a ''text'' of instruction: “What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me — practice these things” (Phil. 4:9).

Both the learners and teachers acquire new vitality from these relationships of refreshment (Rom. 15:33). Paul and Silas accomplished more together than they could have individually, going “through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches” (Acts 15:41). Embracing Timothy as a son, Paul sent him as a church-strengthener to Corinth, to remind that wayward community that though “you have countless guides,” he, Paul, was like a ''father'', not only to Timothy, but to all the faithful. Again, ''modeling'' is a central function of this family-like framework. Paul blatantly exhorts: “I urge you then, ‘be imitators of me’” (See 1 Cor. 4:14–17). It should not go unnoticed that Timothy’s Spirit-inspired combination of mature faith and relative youth serves to reverse our expectation that older people are always mentors to younger people. Youthfulness, in itself, is not to be looked at derisively, but steady, stalwart believers of any age of can be signs of God’s grace (1 Tim. 4:12).

Mentors can unfortunately become ''tormentors'' when they misappropriate and misapply their God-granted authority. “Exhort and rebuke with all authority” says Paul (Titus 2:15). Authority is a gift. Rebuking comes like a scalpel with care, not like a sledgehammer with careless judgmentalism. Authority is to be exercised for building up, not tearing down, for edifying, not destroying (2 Cor. 10:8). Mentors provide: support through hard times, navigation through bewildering times, hope through despairing times, and joy through perilous times. In order to provide positive feedback for those who are fed-up, mentors must be well-fed on the grace of Christ that comes through God’s Word and sacrament.

That’s the focus: the resurrected and living Christ. Mentors center on Jesus’ sacrificial love, shown in the crucifixion, that in everything this Christ “might be preeminent” (Col. 1:18). Dietrich Bonhoeffer says it like this in his rich volume ''Life Together'': “Self-centered love loves the other for the sake of itself; spiritual love loves the other for the sake of Christ.” Jesus Christ mentors the mentoring relationship as the hidden middle-man, visible only to the eye of faith. The best mentors embody mystery. They are ''seen through''. Since God’s hand of providence upholds godly leaders, protégés may, at times, scratch their heads in delighted confusion: Is this Christ or is it my mentor? Paul talks about this imitative function in such double terms. By following penultimately his team of missionaries, the church became “imitators of us and of the Lord” (1 Thess. 1:6). Pointing to the Savior is the overriding purpose of mentoring — there is one mediator, one Mentor, between God and humanity, the man Christ Jesus (1 Tim. 2:5). When Christ is displaced, whenever human personality becomes sinfully uplifted by an inward curvature of the ego, difficulties will always creep in (Rom. 2:8–9).

Developing a biblically grounded mentoring relationship is worth the sweat and investment. In my own ministry, I have sensed that engaging protégés — usually no more than three at a time, and almost always younger men — returns me to an ancient pattern. The apostolic age was largely pre-literate. As such, it resonates with our postmodern, post-literate culture, especially in urban areas. Oral tradition, storytelling, and enacted spiritual practices shaped the burgeoning early church. They can shape us too as Christianity is handed down person-to-person, preserving catechetical continuity in living relationships. This mentoring method might tax our creativity, stretch our patience, and demand careful timing, but we will reap a harvest if we do not give up (Gal. 6:9). 

Christ and Him Crucified

2008-06-07T17:42:46Z

Lydiaclaire:

{{MasterHeader|author=Dr. Cornelis P. Venema|partnerurl=http://www.ligonier.org|partner=Ligonier Ministries|date=July 2006|other=|categorytopic=Salvation|mediatype=article|lang=English|editor=n/a|translator= n/a|levels=0|reviewed=Not Reviewed|newtitle=Christ and Him Crucified}} 

To attempt to summarize the apostle Paul’s doctrine of salvation in the compass of a short essay might seem an act of folly. Yet try we must.

Paul’s preaching of the Gospel proceeds from the conviction that Jesus of Nazareth is the promised “Messiah” and Son of God, whom God sent into the world in “the fullness of time” to fulfill His promises to His people, Israel (2 Cor. 1:18–22; 6:2; Gal. 4:4). The great message of Paul’s preaching is the “mystery” of the Gospel of Jesus Christ (Col. 1:26; Rom. 16:26; 2 Tim. 1:10). Though previously hidden, this mystery was now entrusted to him and the other apostles as “stewards of the mysteries of God” (1 Cor. 4:1; Eph. 3:2ff.).

This Pauline conviction helps to clarify the relation between his teaching regarding salvation and the teaching of Jesus Christ in the Gospels. Just as Christ emphasized the coming of the kingdom of God, which introduces the blessings of the “age to come” into “this age,” so Paul emphasizes the coming of Jesus Christ as the One through whom the saving blessings of God are now being granted to His people. The teaching of Jesus in the Gospels is similar to a musical overture that announces the theme of the whole New Testament: the kingdom of God is “at hand.” Paul’s preaching develops this theme by offering a comprehensive explanation of the saving blessings of the kingdom.

But how does the apostle explain the salvation that Christ brings? What has Christ accomplished by His death and resurrection that provides redemption for those who belong to Him?

Paul summarizes his answer to this question in 1 Corinthians 15:3–4: “For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures.” This summary is similar to others in Paul’s epistles (see 1 Cor. 2:2; Gal. 6:14). In these passages, Paul declares that the Gospel he preaches focuses upon the atoning death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

In Paul’s epistles, several biblical themes are used to designate distinct aspects of the salvation Christ has procured for believers. The principal themes that Paul uses to describe Christ’s work of atonement include: First, “sacrifice” for or “expiation” of the guilt of human sin; Second, “propitiation” of God’s holy wrath against his sinful creatures; Third, “reconciliation” or peace with God; Fourth, “redemption” from the curse and condemnation of the Law; and Fifth, “victory” over sin, death, and all powers that oppose God’s kingdom.

That Paul understands Christ’s death as a ''sacrifice'' for sin is indisputable. In 1 Corinthians 15:3, Paul declares that Christ died “for our sins.” In another passage, he says that God sent His own Son “in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin” (Rom. 8:3). Paul also teaches that Christ’s death was a ''propitiation'' of the wrath of God. In His holiness, God can only abhor sin. However, the marvel of the Gospel is that God has lovingly propitiated His wrath through the death of His own Son (Rom. 3:25; 5:9−10; 2 Cor. 5:21). Christ’s atoning work is also a work of ''reconciliation''. By His death, Christ has removed every obstacle to the sinner’s peace with God.

This work of reconciliation includes a God-ward and a human-ward aspect. It not only removes the obstacle of God’s wrath (Rom. 5:9–10), but it also summons the sinner to “be reconciled” to God (2 Cor. 5:20). The theme of ''redemption'' also figures prominently in Paul’s understanding of Christ’s atonement. The biblical idea of redemption emphasizes the payment of a price that secures the deliverance of the sinner from bondage (1 Tim. 2:5–6). In one of the clearest statements of Christ’s atonement as a work of redemption, the apostle Paul declares that “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us” (Gal. 3:13). Finally, an overlooked feature of Christ’s work of atonement is the ''victory'' that it achieves over the power of sin, death, and indeed every form of opposition to God’s kingly rule (1 Cor. 15:54–57). By His death and resurrection, Christ disarmed the powers that oppose God’s kingdom (Col. 2:13–15).

Undoubtedly, the central message of Paul’s preaching is that God has entered history in the person of His Son, Jesus Christ, whose atoning death and resurrection have brought salvation. However, the Gospel according to Saint Paul also includes the application of salvation in Christ to believers who are united to Christ by the ministry of His Spirit. Even though Paul does not explicitly articulate an “order of salvation” (''ordo salutis''), the rudiments of such an order are evident in his epistles (see Rom. 8:30; 1 Cor. 1:30; 6:11).

The most inclusive way in which Paul describes the application of salvation is in terms of the believer’s ''union with Christ''. When believers are joined to Christ through the ministry of His Spirit, they participate fully in all the benefits of His atoning work on their behalf (Rom. 8:2,11; 1 Cor. 6:11; Eph. 4:30).

For the purpose of our brief summary, three benefits of union with Christ are of particular importance to Paul’s understanding of the application of salvation: free justification, Spirit-authored sanctification, and glorification.

''Free justification''. We noted in our introduction that it has become popular in some circles to oppose Paul’s emphasis upon union with Christ to his teaching about forensic justification. This is a profound mistake, however. The Reformation was certainly correct to assert that a principal feature of Paul’s teaching was the doctrine of justification by grace alone through faith alone. Moreover, contrary to the more recent claims of authors of the “new perspective” on Paul, Paul clearly views justification as a “soteriological” theme. Justification doesn’t simply answer the question whether Gentiles as well as Jews belong to the covenant people of God, as many new perspective authors maintain. It primarily answers the question how any sinner, Jew or Gentile, can find acceptance with God in spite of his sin and guilt.

According to Paul, justification is a gracious act of God whereby He forgives the sins of believers and declares them righteous on the basis of the imputation of the righteousness of Christ (Rom. 4:1–5; 5:15–17; 10:3; 2 Cor. 5:21; Phil. 3:9). Though all have sinned, Christ was put to death for the sins of His people and raised for their justification (Rom. 4:25). Apart from any “works” performed in obedience to the Law, God justifies those who receive Christ by faith (Rom. 3:28; Gal. 2:16). This benefit of justification is a thoroughly eschatological blessing of salvation, which declares that there is “now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Rom. 8:1).

''Spirit-authored sanctification''. All those who are united to Christ are indwelt by His life-giving Spirit (Rom. 8:4–11). Believers are not only declared righteous in free justification, but they are also being renewed after the image of Christ (2 Cor. 3:17–18). The power and reign of sin are broken. Through their union with Christ in His death and resurrection, believers are now to consider themselves dead to sin and alive to righteousness (Rom. 6:12–14). The new status that believers enjoy (justification) is always accompanied by a renewed life of obedience, which is worked in believers by the Spirit of Christ (sanctification).

''Glorification''. Though it is customary to think of glorification as the future consummation of the believer’s salvation, Paul speaks of glorification as a present and a future reality (Rom. 8:18ff., 30). Due to the intimate union of believers with Christ, the glorification of Christ in His resurrection and ascension is also the glorification of believers. Already now believers are seated with Christ in the heavenlies (Eph. 2:6). However, there remains the expectation of a still-future glorification of believers (2 Thess. 1:10). So long as they live in this world, believers wait eagerly for the day when their “bodies of humiliation” will be transformed to be like Christ’s glorious body (Phil. 3:21).

The Gospel according to Saint Paul can be summed up as the glorious message of God’s fulfillment of all His promises of salvation for His people in Christ. The central message of all Paul’s preaching is salvation through the crucified and risen Christ. Christ has provided an atonement for the sins of His people that answers to every aspect of their sinful condition. Through faith-union with Christ, believers enjoy all the benefits of this atoning work. In the remarkable words of 2 Corinthians 5:17: “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come.” Those who are in Christ enjoy a new status of free acceptance with God, in spite of their unworthiness as sinners. They also experience the grace of a new life of obedience to the “law of Christ” by the working of the Holy Spirit. And they know the grace of present as well as future glorification, when the “first fruits” of salvation in Christ will issue in the eschatological harvest of complete participation in Christ’s resurrection victory.

Christ and Him Crucified

2008-06-07T17:37:07Z

Lydiaclaire:

Cosmic Treason (January 2007)

2008-06-07T17:21:59Z

Lydiaclaire:

{{MasterHeader|author=Dr. R.C. Sproul|partnerurl=http://www.ligonier.org|partner=Ligonier Ministries|date=January 2007|other=|categorytopic=Sin|mediatype=article|lang=English|editor=n/a|translator= n/a|levels=0|reviewed=Not Reviewed|newtitle=Cosmic Treason- Right Now Counts Forever}} 

The question, “What is sin?” is raised in the Westminster Shorter Catechism. The answer provided to this catechetical question is simply this: “Sin is any want of conformity to or transgression of the law of God.”

Let us examine some of the elements of this catechetical response. In the first instance, sin is identified as some kind of want or lack. In the middle ages, Christian theologians tried to define evil or sin in terms of privation (''privatio'') or negation (''negatio''). In these terms, evil or sin was defined by its lack of conformity to goodness. The negative terminology associated with sin may be seen in biblical words such as '''''dis'''''obedience, ''god'''less'''ness'', or '''''im'''''morality. In all of these terms, we see the negative being stressed. Further illustrations would include words such as ''dishonor'', ''antichrist'', and others.

However, to gain a complete view of sin, we have to see that it involves more than a negation of the good, or more than a simple lack of virtue. We may be inclined to think that sin, if defined exclusively in negative terms, is merely an illusion. But the ravages of sin point dramatically to the reality of its power, which reality can never be explained away by appeals to illusion. The reformers added to the idea of ''privatio'' the notion of actuality or activity, so that evil is therefore seen in the phrase, “''privatio actuosa''.” This stresses the active character of sin. In the catechism, sin is defined not only as a want of conformity but an act of transgression, an action that involves an overstepping or violation of a standard.

In order to grasp the meaning of sin, we cannot define it apart from its relationship to law. It is God’s law that determines what sin is. In the New Testament, the apostle Paul, particularly in Romans, labors the point that there is an inseparable relationship between sin and death and between sin and law. The simple formula is this: No sin equals no death. No law equals no sin. The apostle argues that where there is no law, there is no sin, and where there is no sin, there is no death. This rests upon the premise that death invades the human experience as an act of divine judgment for sin. It is the soul who sins that dies. However, without law there can be no sin. Death cannot enter into the human experience until first God’s law is revealed. It is for this reason that the apostle argues that the moral law was in effect before God gave Israel the Mosaic code. The argument rests upon the premise that death was in the world before Sinai, that death reigned from Adam to Moses. This can only mean that God’s moral law was given to His creatures long before the tablets of stone were delivered to the nation of Israel.

This gives some credence to Immanuel Kant’s assertion of a universal moral imperative that he called the ''categorical imperative'', which is found in the conscience of every sentient person. Since it is God’s law that defines the nature of sin, we are left to face the dreadful consequences of our disobedience to that law. What the sinner requires in order to be rescued from the punitive aspects of this law is what Solomon Stoddard called a righteousness of the Law. Just as sin is defined by a lack of conformity to the Law, or transgression of the Law, the only antidote for that transgression is obedience to the Law. If we possess such obedience to the Law of God, we are in no danger of the judgment of God.

Solomon Stoddard, the grandfather of Jonathan Edwards, wrote in his book, ''The Righteousness of Christ'', the following summation of the value of the righteousness of the Law: “It is sufficient for us if we have the righteousness of the law. There is no danger of our miscarrying if we have that righteousness. The security of the angels in Heaven is that they have the righteousness of the law, and it is a sufficient security for us if we have the righteousness of the law. If we have the righteousness of the law, then we are not liable to the curse of the law. We are not threatened by the law; justice is not provoked with us; the condemnation of the law can take no hold upon us; the law has nothing to object against our salvation. The soul that has the righteousness of the law is out of the reach of the threatenings of the law. Where the demand of the law is answered, the law finds no fault. The law curses only for lack of perfect obedience. Yea, moreover, where there is the righteousness of the law, God has bound himself to give eternal life. Such persons are heirs of life, according to the promise of the law. The law declared them heirs of life, Galatians 3:12, ‘The man that doth them, shall live in them’” (''The Righteousness of Christ'', p. 25).

The only righteousness that meets the requirements of the Law is the righteousness of Christ. It is only by imputation of that righteousness that the sinner can ever possess the righteousness of the Law. This is critical for our understanding in this day where the imputation of the righteousness of Christ is so widely under attack. If we abandon the notion of the righteousness of Christ, we have no hope, because the Law is never negotiated by God. As long as the Law exists, we are exposed to its judgment unless our sin is covered by the righteousness of the Law. The only covering that we can possess of that righteousness is that which comes to us from the active obedience of Christ, who Himself fulfilled every jot and tittle of the Law. His fulfilling of the Law in Himself is a vicarious activity by which He achieves the reward that comes with such obedience. He does this not for Himself but for His people. It is the background of this imputed righteousness, this rescue from the condemnation of the Law, this salvation from the ravages of sin that is the backdrop for the Christian’s sanctification, in which we are to mortify that sin that remains in us, since Christ has died for our sin.

Cosmic Treason (January 2007)

2008-06-07T17:20:31Z

Lydiaclaire:

{{MasterHeader|author=Dr. R.C. Sproul|partnerurl=http://www.ligonier.org|partner=Ligonier Ministries|date=January 2007|other=|categorytopic=Sin|mediatype=article|lang=English|editor=n/a|translator= n/a|levels=0|reviewed=Not Reviewed|newtitle=Cosmic Treason- Right Now Counts Forever}} 

The question, “What is sin?” is raised in the Westminster Shorter Catechism. The answer provided to this catechetical question is simply this: “Sin is any want of conformity to or transgression of the law of God.”

Let us examine some of the elements of this catechetical response. In the first instance, sin is identified as some kind of want or lack. In the middle ages, Christian theologians tried to define evil or sin in terms of privation (''privatio'') or negation (''negatio''). In these terms, evil or sin was defined by its lack of conformity to goodness. The negative terminology associated with sin may be seen in biblical words such as '''''dis'''''obedience, ''god'''less'''ness'', or '''''im'''''morality. In all of these terms, we see the negative being stressed. Further illustrations would include words such as ''dishonor'', ''antichrist'', and others.

However, to gain a complete view of sin, we have to see that it involves more than a negation of the good, or more than a simple lack of virtue. We may be inclined to think that sin, if defined exclusively in negative terms, is merely an illusion. But the ravages of sin point dramatically to the reality of its power, which reality can never be explained away by appeals to illusion. The reformers added to the idea of ''privatio'' the notion of actuality or activity, so that evil is therefore seen in the phrase, “''privatio actuosa''.” This stresses the active character of sin. In the catechism, sin is defined not only as a want of conformity but an act of transgression, an action that involves an overstepping or violation of a standard.

In order to grasp the meaning of sin, we cannot define it apart from its relationship to law. It is God’s law that determines what sin is. In the New Testament, the apostle Paul, particularly in Romans, labors the point that there is an inseparable relationship between sin and death and between sin and law. The simple formula is this: No sin equals no death. No law equals no sin. The apostle argues that where there is no law, there is no sin, and where there is no sin, there is no death. This rests upon the premise that death invades the human experience as an act of divine judgment for sin. It is the soul who sins that dies. However, without law there can be no sin. Death cannot enter into the human experience until first God’s law is revealed. It is for this reason that the apostle argues that the moral law was in effect before God gave Israel the Mosaic code. The argument rests upon the premise that death was in the world before Sinai, that death reigned from Adam to Moses. This can only mean that God’s moral law was given to His creatures long before the tablets of stone were delivered to the nation of Israel.

This gives some credence to Immanuel Kant’s assertion of a universal moral imperative that he called the ''categorical imperative'', which is found in the conscience of every sentient person. Since it is God’s law that defines the nature of sin, we are left to face the dreadful consequences of our disobedience to that law. What the sinner requires in order to be rescued from the punitive aspects of this law is what Solomon Stoddard called a righteousness of the Law. Just as sin is defined by a lack of conformity to the Law, or transgression of the Law, the only antidote for that transgression is obedience to the Law. If we possess such obedience to the Law of God, we are in no danger of the judgment of God.

Solomon Stoddard, the grandfather of Jonathan Edwards, wrote in his book, ''The Righteousness of Christ'', the following summation of the value of the righteousness of the Law: “It is sufficient for us if we have the righteousness of the law. There is no danger of our miscarrying if we have that righteousness. The security of the angels in Heaven is that they have the righteousness of the law, and it is a sufficient security for us if we have the righteousness of the law. If we have the righteousness of the law, then we are not liable to the curse of the law. We are not threatened by the law; justice is not provoked with us; the condemnation of the law can take no hold upon us; the law has nothing to object against our salvation. The soul that has the righteousness of the law is out of the reach of the threatenings of the law. Where the demand of the law is answered, the law finds no fault. The law curses only for lack of perfect obedience. Yea, moreover, where there is the righteousness of the law, God has bound himself to give eternal life. Such persons are heirs of life, according to the promise of the law. The law declared them heirs of life, Galatians 3:12, ‘The man that doth them, shall live in them’” (''The Righteousness of Christ'', p. 25).

Cosmic Treason (January 2007)

2008-06-07T17:16:05Z

Lydiaclaire:

Cosmic Treason (January 2007)

2008-06-07T16:59:52Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T23:07:49Z

Lydiaclaire:

== {{MasterHeader |author= Mickey Connolly |partnerurl= www.sovereigngraceministries.org |partner= Sovereign Grace Ministries |date= 1996 |other= It is part of the ''In Pursuit of Godliness'' series. |categorytopic= Church Life |mediatype= chapter |lang= English |editor= n/a |translator= n/a |levels= 0 |reviewed=Not Reviewed |newtitle=Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction  }}
Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction
==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others ''reveals'' our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?
 }}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might ''perceive'' an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we ''will'' have disagreements. And we ''will'' have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid ''conflict'' so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach?
*Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict.
*Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her.
*If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was).
*Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict.
*Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the ''attitude'' we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, ''not'' your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it ''must'' be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to ''be'' the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your ''motives'' are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your ''attitudes'' are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, ''pray''— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: ''A Testimony''''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us.
 
 
 
 
 
 }}''Speak'' to the person privately.

''Plan'' for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

''Affirm'' your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You ''are'' there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

''Share'' your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

''Maintain'' a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

''Offer'' biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

''Provide'' sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

''Pray'' with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, ''follow up''. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where ''we'' may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, ''or even think we have'', we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— ''make'' them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. ''Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize.'' (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best.
*Make a telephone call
*Have a personal meeting
*Send an E-mail
*Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. ''Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.”'' ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
<blockquote>‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’
 ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’
 ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’
 ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’</blockquote>
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

 

== Group Discussion ==

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five ''un''biblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

 

== Recommended Reading ==

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T23:07:03Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T23:01:31Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others ''reveals'' our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?
 }}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might ''perceive'' an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we ''will'' have disagreements. And we ''will'' have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid ''conflict'' so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach?
*Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict.
*Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her.
*If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was).
*Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict.
*Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the ''attitude'' we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, ''not'' your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it ''must'' be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to ''be'' the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your ''motives'' are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your ''attitudes'' are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, ''pray''— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: ''A Testimony''''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us.
 
 
 
 
 
 }}''Speak'' to the person privately.

''Plan'' for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

''Affirm'' your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You ''are'' there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

''Share'' your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

''Maintain'' a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

''Offer'' biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

''Provide'' sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

''Pray'' with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, ''follow up''. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where ''we'' may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, ''or even think we have'', we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— ''make'' them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. ''Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize.'' (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best.
*Make a telephone call
*Have a personal meeting
*Send an E-mail
*Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. ''Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.”'' ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
<blockquote>‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’
 ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’
 ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’
 ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’</blockquote>
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

 

== Group Discussion ==

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five ''un''biblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

 

== Recommended Reading ==

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T22:58:35Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others ''reveals'' our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?
 }}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might ''perceive'' an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we ''will'' have disagreements. And we ''will'' have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid ''conflict'' so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach?
*Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict.
*Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her.
*If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was).
*Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict.
*Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the ''attitude'' we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, ''not'' your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it ''must'' be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to ''be'' the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your ''motives'' are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your ''attitudes'' are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, ''pray''— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: ''A Testimony''''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us.
 
 
 
 
 
 }}''Speak'' to the person privately.

''Plan'' for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

''Affirm'' your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You ''are'' there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

''Share'' your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

''Maintain'' a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

''Offer'' biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

''Provide'' sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

''Pray'' with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, ''follow up''. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where ''we'' may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, ''or even think we have'', we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— ''make'' them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. ''Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize.'' (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best.
*Make a telephone call
*Have a personal meeting
*Send an E-mail
*Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. ''Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.”'' ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
<blockquote>‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’
 ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’
 ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’
 ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’</blockquote>
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

 

== Group Discussion ==

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five unbiblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

 

== Recommended Reading ==

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T22:55:01Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others ''reveals'' our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?
 }}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might ''perceive'' an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we ''will'' have disagreements. And we ''will'' have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid ''conflict'' so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach?
*Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict.
*Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her.
*If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was).
*Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict.
*Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the ''attitude'' we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, ''not'' your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it ''must'' be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to ''be'' the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your ''motives'' are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your ''attitudes'' are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, ''pray''— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: ''A Testimony''''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us.
 
 
 
 
 
 }}''Speak'' to the person privately.

''Plan'' for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

''Affirm'' your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You ''are'' there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

''Share'' your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

''Maintain'' a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

''Offer'' biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

''Provide'' sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

''Pray'' with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, ''follow up''. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best.
*Make a telephone call
*Have a personal meeting
*Send an E-mail
*Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
<blockquote>‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’
 ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’
 ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’
 ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’</blockquote>
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

 

== Group Discussion ==

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five unbiblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

 

== Recommended Reading ==

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T22:52:51Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others ''reveals'' our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?
 }}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might ''perceive'' an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we ''will'' have disagreements. And we ''will'' have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid ''conflict'' so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach?
*Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict.
*Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her.
*If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was).
*Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict.
*Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the ''attitude'' we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, ''not'' your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it ''must'' be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to ''be'' the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your ''motives'' are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your ''attitudes'' are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, ''pray''— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us.
 
 
 
 
 
 }}''Speak'' to the person privately.

''Plan'' for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

''Affirm'' your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You ''are'' there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

''Share'' your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

''Maintain'' a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

''Offer'' biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

''Provide'' sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

''Pray'' with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, ''follow up''. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best.
*Make a telephone call
*Have a personal meeting
*Send an E-mail
*Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
<blockquote>‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’
 ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’
 ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’
 ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’</blockquote>
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

 

== Group Discussion ==

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five unbiblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

 

== Recommended Reading ==

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T22:48:53Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others ''reveals'' our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?
 }}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might ''perceive'' an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we ''will'' have disagreements. And we ''will'' have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid ''conflict'' so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach?
*Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict.
*Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her.
*If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was).
*Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict.
*Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the ''attitude'' we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, ''not'' your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it ''must'' be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to ''be'' the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us.
 
 
 
 
 
 }}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best.
*Make a telephone call
*Have a personal meeting
*Send an E-mail
*Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
<blockquote>‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’
 ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’
 ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’
 ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’</blockquote>
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

 

== Group Discussion ==

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five unbiblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

 

== Recommended Reading ==

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T22:47:48Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others ''reveals'' our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?
 }}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might ''perceive'' an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we ''will'' have disagreements. And we ''will'' have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid ''conflict'' so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach?
*Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict.
*Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her.
*If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was).
*Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict.
*Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the ''attitude'' we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, ''not'' your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it ''must'' be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us.
 
 
 
 
 
 }}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best.
*Make a telephone call
*Have a personal meeting
*Send an E-mail
*Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
<blockquote>‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’
 ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’
 ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’
 ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’</blockquote>
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

 

== Group Discussion ==

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five unbiblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

 

== Recommended Reading ==

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T22:46:16Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others ''reveals'' our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?
 }}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might ''perceive'' an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we ''will'' have disagreements. And we ''will'' have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid ''conflict'' so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach?
*Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict.
*Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her.
*If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was).
*Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict.
*Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the ''attitude'' we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, ''not'' your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us.
 
 
 
 
 
 }}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best.
*Make a telephone call
*Have a personal meeting
*Send an E-mail
*Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
<blockquote>‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’
 ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’
 ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’
 ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’</blockquote>
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

 

== Group Discussion ==

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five unbiblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

 

== Recommended Reading ==

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T22:44:01Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others ''reveals'' our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?
 }}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might ''perceive'' an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we ''will'' have disagreements. And we ''will'' have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid ''conflict'' so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach?
*Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict.
*Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her.
*If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was).
*Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict.
*Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us.
 
 
 
 
 
 }}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best.
*Make a telephone call
*Have a personal meeting
*Send an E-mail
*Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
<blockquote>‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’
 ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’
 ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’
 ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’</blockquote>
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

 

== Group Discussion ==

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five unbiblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

 

== Recommended Reading ==

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T22:41:36Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others ''reveals'' our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?
 }}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might ''perceive'' an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach?
*Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict.
*Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her.
*If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was).
*Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict.
*Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us.
 
 
 
 
 
 }}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best.
*Make a telephone call
*Have a personal meeting
*Send an E-mail
*Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
<blockquote>‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’
 ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’
 ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’
 ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’</blockquote>
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

 

== Group Discussion ==

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five unbiblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

 

== Recommended Reading ==

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-14T22:37:33Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others ''reveals'' our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?
 }}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach?
*Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict.
*Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her.
*If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was).
*Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict.
*Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us.
 
 
 
 
 
 }}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best.
*Make a telephone call
*Have a personal meeting
*Send an E-mail
*Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:
<blockquote>‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’
 ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’
 ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’
 ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’</blockquote>
By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

 

== Group Discussion ==

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five unbiblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

 

== Recommended Reading ==

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-08T03:49:02Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others reveals our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?

}}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:'''Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach? o Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict. o Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her. o If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was). o Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict. o Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us

.}}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best. 1. Make a telephone call 2. Have a personal meeting 3. Send an E-mail 4. Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises: ‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’ ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’ ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’ ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’ By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

==== GROUP DISCUSSION ====

1. This is a fun one: According to most translations of the Bible, Christ told Peter to forgive someone, not seven times, but seventy times seven—or 490 times (Mt 18:22). However, no one has ever found the verse indicating the specific vengeance you can take on those who commit their 491st offense against you. What would the ideal vengeance be? Here are a few ideas to get things rolling:

*Wire their home, car, and workplace for sound and require that they listen to the 24-hour polka station non-stop for six months.
*Make them listen repeatedly to every Academy Awards acceptance speech given since the inception of the ceremony in 1928.
*Make them speak politely and at length with every telephone salesman who calls their home during the next year. In each of these conversations, they must say at least once: “I’m so glad you called,” “Why, of course!”, and “Oh, absolutely.”

2. Do we benefit more from giving care or receiving care in the church?

3. Can you describe an experience in which you had a disagreement that did not grow into a conflict—or one that did when it should not have?

4. What’s the difference between saying “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me”?

5. In what ways have you personally benefited from giving or receiving biblical correction?

6. Try role-playing two types of confrontation: one which starts with an accusation and another which starts with an inquiry. Why does tone make such a difference?

7. The author says “open conflicts” must be addressed (see page 68). How do you know when one has taken place?

8. Can you think of five unbiblical phrases people might use to shift attention away from their sin? (Example: “Yeah, I know I should have called you sooner, but I was really bummed out.”)

==== RECOMMENDED READING ====

''The Peacemaker'' by Ken Sande (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1991)

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-08T03:42:40Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others reveals our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?

}}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:'''Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach? o Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict. o Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her. o If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was). o Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict. o Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us

.}}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best. 1. Make a telephone call 2. Have a personal meeting 3. Send an E-mail 4. Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises: ‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’ ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’ ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’ ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’ By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<REF>Ibid., p. 164.</REF>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-08T03:41:15Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others reveals our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?

}}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:'''Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach? o Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict. o Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her. o If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was). o Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict. o Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us

.}}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best. 1. Make a telephone call 2. Have a personal meeting 3. Send an E-mail 4. Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

=== This Stuff Works! ===

{{RightInsert|"Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have erected, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us; we must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. Because we must not hold wrongs against others, not think about them, and not punish others for them, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises: ‘I will no longer dwell on this incident.’ ‘I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.’ ‘I will not talk to others about this incident.’ ‘I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our relationship.’ By making and keeping these promises, you tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he commands us to do for others.<ref>Ibid., p. 164.</ref>" '''— Ken Sande'''}}Let me finish with a personal testimony to the value of correction. My wife Jane and I meet annually with some other couples to evaluate our marriages. One year, our evaluation was going well and I was feeling smug and safe. (In fact, as I often do, I started thinking ahead to lunch— but we will save discussion of that sin for another day!) Suddenly I heard Jane speak these dreaded words: “Well, there is one thing I would like to bring up.” I knew I was about to experience…The Joy of Correction!

Jane told how at times I quickly dismiss her desires and opinions, expressing my own opinions in a strong and authoritative way. (Here’s the translation: I was proud and selfish.) She gave several excellent examples. One of the other wives piped up, “Oh yeah, I remember when you did that.” (Did she really have to include a deadringer imitation of my arrogantly dismissive hand gesture?) One of the guys said I’ve treated him the same way. By the time we were finished, they had helped me explore the roots of my sins, see the impact of my sins on others, and gain insight on how to change. We ended with confession, forgiveness, and prayer. The whole discussion took only about a half hour, but it was life-changing.

I thank God for a good wife and good friends who are willing to correct and able to do it effectively. This was true biblical care that helped me, blessed others, and pleased God. Our Father intends each of his children to live in the special blessings that flow from the application of biblical correction. Take this material to heart. Put it to work in your small group. God guarantees that it works.

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-08T03:32:56Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others reveals our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?

}}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:'''Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach? o Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict. o Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her. o If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was). o Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict. o Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us

.}}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best. 1. Make a telephone call 2. Have a personal meeting 3. Send an E-mail 4. Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-08T03:29:17Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others reveals our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?

}}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:'''Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach? o Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict. o Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her. o If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was). o Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict. o Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us

.}}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done,which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

{{RightInsert|'''5''' Imagine that you need to confess a serious sin to someone and ask his or her forgiveness. Rank the following approaches in order of which is best. o Make a telephone call o Have a personal meeting o Send an E-mail o Ask your spouse or a friend to take care of it for you}}Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

'''Responding to a confession.''' A godly response to a confession includes several elements. First, tell the person you forgive him or her. Do not say “It’s OK” or “Don’t worry about it.” ( Sins are never OK or not to be worried about. Rather, they are to be forgiven.) Second, thank the one seeking forgiveness for coming and confessing. Affirm your love and respect for the person. It takes courage and humility to confess sins—to do so is to serve another and to help build a godly relationship. Third, ask if he or she has any offense toward you as a result of the incident, or —if applicable—confess any sin you may have contributed to the incident. Lastly, declare the episode over—dead and gone—and express your intent to walk fully reconciled to the person.

 

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-08T03:24:45Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others reveals our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?

}}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:'''Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach? o Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict. o Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her. o If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was). o Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict. o Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us

.}}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

=== Confessing Our Own Sins ===

I’ve spent a lot of time discussing what to do when other people sin. However, it is far more important to regularly examine our hearts to identify instances where we may have sinned. We should not have to wait to confess until someone has confronted us with our sins or a breach in our relationship. When we realize we have sinned against someone or offended him, or even think we have, we should go to him and make things right. Again, there is a right and a wrong way to do this.

“Well I guess maybe I might have sinned against you a little but only because you did such-and-such first, so I guess maybe I owe you an apology if you were offended.” This does not meet the biblical criteria. Then what does?

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' What’s the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? (See 2 Corinthians 7:9-11)}}For starters, thoroughly examine your conscience. Determine, with the help of the Holy Spirit, where you have sinned. Ask for conviction and godly sorrow for each of those sins.

When you get together with the one you have sinned against (and don’t wait for these meetings to “just happen”— make them happen), confess your sins honestly, clearly, specifically, and completely. This means you confess not only your words and actions but your motives as well. Never gloss over your sins, offer excuses for your behavior, or generalize. (“Sometimes I can tend to be harsh” is pale and ineffective compared to “I was harsh to you when I said such-and-such.”) This will not be difficult if you have godly sorrow for your sin. Ken Sande’s insight is helpful here: “Specific admissions help to convince others that you are honestly facing up to what you have done, which makes it easier for them to forgive you.”<ref>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'', p. 97.</ref> Remember, the goal is not just to clear your conscience but to gain reconciliation with the one you have sinned against.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 3:18. What (in addition to peace) results from our efforts to be “peacemakers”?}}Express sorrow for what you have done and for the consequences of your actions. By this you are letting the person know that you realize your actions have affected him or her by causing pain, anxiety, or difficulty. It also lets the person know you are willing to accept any consequences that may accompany your confession (such as repayment of damages, going to others who may have been drawn in by gossip, etc.). Also, identify the lessons you have learned from the experience and specific ways you are going to change as a result. This will give the person hope and trust for the future and will help him or her to see how seriously you are taking your sin.

Finally, ask for forgiveness. To actually say the words, “Would you forgive me?” is important—for forgiveness is indeed what we need and are seeking.

 

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-08T03:15:52Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others reveals our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?

}}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:'''Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach? o Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict. o Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her. o If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was). o Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict. o Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us

.}}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''4''' Galatians 6:2 reads: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” List three or four ways discussed in this chapter by which we can “carry each other’s burdens.” 1) 2) 3) 4) Now, put a star by any that you have practiced in the past two weeks.}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

 

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-08T03:10:41Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others reveals our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?

}}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:'''Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach? o Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict. o Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her. o If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was). o Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict. o Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us

.}}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on Psalm 141:5.''' What was David’s attitude toward the prospect of being corrected by another believer? Is this how you feel?}}If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

'''Responding to confrontation.''' Just as there is a biblical way to confront, there is also a biblical way to respond to confrontation. If someone confronts you about a sin or offense, you can help in several ways to ensure the process has a genuinely redemptive outcome. First, listen humbly and prayerfully. Second, confess and ask forgiveness where possible. If you need some time to process and pray about what has been said, ask for it. (But if you tend to do this every time you are corrected, please hear me: you need to check your heart carefully for pride and unteachableness.) Just make sure you get back to the person. Last, thank and affirm the person for coming. He or she has just served you significantly by pointing out a sin or seeking to reconcile your relationship.

 

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-07T00:23:28Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others reveals our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?

}}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:'''Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach? o Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict. o Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her. o If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was). o Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict. o Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

{{RightInsert|'''STEPPING OUTSIDE: A Testimony''' Through a mutual friend, I discovered that Tony, a member of my small group, had a habit of going to a neighborhood bar every payday to have drinks with his buddies from work. Before he was saved, Tony took hard drugs and drank excessively. He’d walked away from the drugs, but I was concerned that he not become trapped by this lingering habit of “having a drink with the guys.” Tony’s a weight-lifter, a pretty intimidating guy. I felt I had to talk to him that afternoon. I wasn’t sure how he’d react. I found Tony at the bar with one of his friends. I greeted them both and then asked Tony if I could talk to him outside for a minute. He said, “Sure,” in a surprised way. Standing on the sidewalk, I told him that I was coming to him as his small-group leader and biblical friend. I explained how a Christian friend had to confront me about my drug habit even after I became a Christian. It changed my life. I let him know I cared about him enough to do the same thing. He took it pretty well. He admitted it was embarrassing to have me stop by, but that he felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He went back inside, and I left feeling I had done what God wanted me to do, trusting him for the results in Tony’s life. That incident was a turning point for both of us. Now Tony is an integral part of a weekly men’s group devoted to “confessing our sins and praying for one another that we may be healed.” He doesn’t shrink back from confronting me or anyone in the group. I’ve heard him say that this memorable incident helped him see the critical need for confrontation to battle sin and resolve conflicts in our lives! I’ve also gained confidence to lead the group and challenge people if I see stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. '''— Glenn Umek (Garfield Heights, OH)'''}}Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us

.}}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

 

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-07T00:16:35Z

Lydiaclaire:

== Chapter Five: The Art of Care and Correction ==

M I C K E Y C O N N O L L Y

 

As we read in Chapter One of this book, a primary goal of small-group ministry is sanctification. God has called us each to be conformed to the image of Christ. In God’s wisdom, he has made us so that we cannot accomplish this without the involvement of others. Wayne Grudem has said, “Sanctification is usually a corporate process in the New Testament. It is something that happens in community.” <ref>Wayne Grudem, ''Systematic Theology'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994), p. 756.</ref>  Another has well said, “One can acquire anything in solitude except character.”

The primary roadblock to both personal maturity and biblical relationships is sin: sin in our own life; sin in others’ lives; a world fallen because of sin. In each of these areas we can find great help and hope in the committed relationships that can grow out of small groups. To assist us in our ongoing quest to become more like Christ, God uses people in three ways—to reveal our sin, to help us to take action against our sin, and to walk with us in our struggle against sin.

First, God uses people to help reveal our sin. As friends observe our life “up close and personal,” they can point out areas of sin and weakness and/or simply areas where we might need to grow. Also, interaction with others reveals our sins as situations reveal what is in our hearts.

Once sin is exposed, God gives us others who help us deal with our sin through confrontation, counseling, encouragement,  accountability, and prayer. Finally, he gives us others to help and support us as we face the effects of living in a sinful world—pain, discouragement, confusion, weakness—while we “wait to be liberated from the bondage of decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God” (Ro 8:21).

Let’s take a look at this last aspect first.

=== Caring for One Another ===

{{LeftInsert|"The Christian approach is to solve all problems, not just solve some problems or solve them part way. Romans 5:20 tells us about the fullness of God’s grace: ‘But where sin abounded, grace far more abounded.’ That assurance means that when Christ meets sin, He more than meets the need. It is not His concern to ‘patch things up’ or even to turn back the clock. He wants to turn a bad thing into a great one! And He will settle for nothing less.<REF> Jay Adams, ''Solving Marriage Problems'', (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing House, 1983), p. 99.</REF>"- '''Jay Adams'''}}There are many ways we can express care for others in our small group. Let me suggest five proven methods.

'''Comfort.''' To comfort means to cheer or to ease the grief and troubles of life. Life can be hard. We can face serious trials and tragedy—the death of a family member or close friend, loss of a job, a broken relationship we struggle to reconcile. We also face daily disappointments and hardships that can trouble and burden us. Sometimes we just have a bad day. How wonderful it is at times like these to have committed friends who will gather around us, bring comfort, and help ease our burdens.

The New Testament instructs us to “mourn with those who mourn” (Ro 12:15) and to “comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2Co 1:4). I regularly meet with a group of men in our church for accountability and support. I can think of many times over the years when we have helped each other through trials at work or at home, through difficult and discouraging  struggles with sin, or simply through life’s ups and downs. The comfort received and given in these times has been an invaluable help in our walk with God through a fallen world. {{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.''' When God comforts us in our troubles, what does he expect us to do in turn?}}

'''Counsel.''' By this I don’t mean formal counseling, but sharing with those in need the wisdom, insight, and experience we have gained. Paul told the Romans, “I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another” (Ro 15:14). My wife and her friends excel at this. In an hour of chatting on the phone they can solve all the problems of the world (at least their worlds) in an informal yet extremely biblical, practical, and effective way. They provide a listening ear. They share what God has been teaching them, or what has worked for them in practical and spiritual matters.

Warning to men: Don’t try this! You are not genetically constituted to just chat for an hour. For men, something resembling chatting is only beneficial when done in the context of an activity such as fishing, eating, or watching football. Here is an actual transcript (well, more or less) of a close male-bonding experience:

Gettin’ any bites? Yep. (Pause) What bait you usin’? Uh…minnows. (Long pause) Do you think I should become a missionary in Tibet? Nope. (Medium pause) Think I should switch to artificial lures? (Reflective pause) Well…Firetigers always work for me this time of year. Huh. Yeah…they’re good. Huh. 

Among other things, this conversation demonstrates the natural male tendency to focus more on peripheral issues (such as fishing lures) than on far more significant personal matters (such as a possible call to evangelism). So heads up, guys—you probably need to pay especially close attention to this chapter.

'''Encourage. '''To encourage means to inspire with courage, spirit, and hope; to hearten; to urge forward. Everyone occasionally gets discouraged. We face times when life seems difficult, progress slow, or challenges insurmountable. How important it is at these times to have someone give us a pep-talk based not on positive thinking or blind optimism but on the manifold promises and hope held out to us in the Scriptures.

{{LeftInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Job got high marks from his friends for his ability to encourage (see Job 4:3-4). How would you rate his wife’s gift in this area? (See Job 2:7-10) }}At other times, when we let our priorities get out of line, our zest for pressing ahead begins to slip away. We give in to the temptation to settle down and take it easy, and our pursuit of God shifts into neutral. At such times, we need someone to come alongside and exhort us onward. I believe this is what the writer of Hebrews refers to when he says, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Heb 10:24).

Lastly, encouragement can come from expressions of appreciation and thanks. “You’ve done a good job,” “I’ve noticed the way you have persevered in faith and joy through your trial,” “Thanks for the way you served,” and similar expressions of affirmation are all deeply encouraging to hear. I can’t tell you how often I have been buoyed in spirit and freshly motivated to mature and serve through this kind of encouragement from others.

'''Help.''' All of the above are important expressions of care for one another, but not the only expressions. There are many ways we can also physically and materially help those in our small group. James reminds us, “If one of you says…‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?” (Jas 2:16). He said this not to discount the importance of our words but to point out that in many situations words alone can’t meet the need. Meals for families with a newborn, helping someone put a new roof on his house, providing financial help to someone temporarily out of work, giving someone a ride to a meeting—in all these and many more practical ways we are to serve those in our small group.

My family and I are preparing to move, and a week before my house was to go on the market I still had several major fix-up projects {{LeftInsert|'''1''' Of the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8, which ones would apply most directly to helping one another in obvious, practical ways?

}}to complete. I would never have been able to get everything done in time myself, but a dozen friends gave up a Saturday to come help me. In no time at all, the jobs were done. This was not only a huge practical blessing to me and my family, but a great time of building my friendships with these men.

'''Correct.''' Most people don’t think of correcting or being corrected as part of our care for one another, but in fact it is one of the most vital ways we serve our friends. Remember, sin is the primary enemy of both personal maturity and our relationships with others. To correct means literally “to straighten up again”; to intervene and help when someone is going off course. What could be more valuable to a friend than this? The Scriptures counsel us to love correction, going so far as to say that those who hate correction are stupid (Pr 12:1).

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:'''Read Hebrews 12:5-8. How does God treat those he loves? Do you think it would be kind for you to treat your friends the same way?}}Let’s spend the rest of this chapter looking at this vital area of ministry to one another. As we do so, let our heart attitude be one of tryingto see how we can be more effective in helping one another both to grow personally and to work through the difficulties our sin causes in our relationships. The main skills of correction can be summarized as conflict resolution, confrontation, and confession.

=== Resolving Conflicts ===

'''Conflict and offense are inevitable.''' When we mix with people who are sinful and selfish (that is, people who are just like us), we expose ourselves to the possibility of conflict and offense. Where might this happen? How about any place on earth! But it’s especially likely where we are relating closely to others—at home, at church, in school, at work, in our neighborhood…or in our small group.

Disagreement is inevitable because people are different from one another. Conflict and offense are likely (in any given circumstance) because we are sinful. But disagreement need not always lead to conflict, nor conflict to offense. You can disagree with someone without sinning and you can be sinned against without taking offense. Sometimes, you might perceive an offense even when no one has {{LeftInsert|The Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion for selfish gain, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the presence and power of God....it encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ.<REF>Ken Sande, ''The Peacemaker'' (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House,1991), p. 20.</REF> '''— Ken Sande'''}}sinned against you—in which case the only thing that was “offended” was your own pride, self-centeredness, or some other idol in your heart. There are also other possibilities, some of them discussed later in this chapter. Discernment, honest inquiry, and wise application of the Scriptures are critical.

This much is certain. While our goal is to love one another genuinely and fully, we will have disagreements. And we will have conflicts during which we sin against others and are sinned against. Jesus himself said, “Temptations to sin are sure to come” (Lk 17:1, RSV). However, just because they are sure to come doesn’t mean that, when they do come, we aren’t responsible for resolving them in a godly and redemptive manner.

In fact, trying to avoid the godly resolution of conflicts just builds a dam between ourselves and others, allowing a reservoir of  is understanding, bitterness, unforgiveness, and/or resentment to form. The dam eventually bursts, producing problems far more serious than any we would have faced by dealing with our differences or concerns in the first place. In the meantime, as we keep shoring up the walls of the dam in a futile attempt to prevent them from bursting, our character becomes increasingly defined by our sinful attitudes. But none of these things need to happen if we will diligently employ God’s methods for avoiding and resolving conflict.

{{LeftInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Peter 4:8.''' Here’s a great strategy for avoiding needless conflicts.}}'''Avoiding conflict.''' I once heard it said, “It is better to build a guard rail at the top of a cliff than to run an ambulance service at the bottom.” This is especially true when it comes to our relationships. Our first goal is to be aware of potential pitfalls so we can head off conflicts at the pass.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on Proverbs 1:7.''' Whether we are correcting, being corrected, or just trying to determine whether correction is appropriate, what is the most important heart attitude we can have?}}There are several dangerous but common ways of seeking to avoid conflict. Trying not to talk about potentially volatile subjects or areas ofdisagreement is a typical but unsuitable strategy. Hoping a problem area will disappear doesn’t work either. Neither does switching small groups every six months or living in a cave. These all represent efforts to ignore the fact that we’re on a road with lots of cliffs, pretty heavy traffic, some inconsiderate drivers, and no guard rails. But in truth, because the hazards are so prevalent, these attempts do not avoid conflict so much as they avoid its resolution!

{{LeftInsert|'''2''' Which of the following methods, commonly in use in homes, schools, and workplaces around the world, resolve conflicts as effectively as the biblical approach? o Spending the rest of your life ignoring everyone with whom you’ve had a conflict. o Being extra nice to the offended party the next time you happen to see him or her. o If an attempt at reconciliation is made, insisting no offense was taken (even if it was). o Getting as many people as possible to think badly of the person with whom you had the conflict. o Acting like it never happened (see “Being extra nice,”above), firm in the belief that if the phrase “time heals all wounds” is not actually in the Bible, it ought to be.}}The far better way is to take steps to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place—to build those spiritual guard rails. We do this by practicing the kind of regular and honest communication that keeps us current with our friends, enables us to know them, and lets them know us. These efforts build a quality of relationship that helps us handle differences more easily when they arise. As part of our  communication, we should also be inviting input and evaluation from our friends on a regular basis. This gives them a convenient context in which to share concerns about us or our relationship.

Having realistic (not low) expectations will also help. No one in your group is perfect, including you. Taking into account our friends’ maturity, circumstances, limitations, and humanity will help us extend grace to one another . God “remembers that we are dust” (Ps 103:14). We ought graciously to remember the same about one another. The more clearly we can communicate our expectations to each other, the less likely we will be to find offense.

Finally, we must deal with little things. We don’t have to deal with everything; but if some little thing is bothering you, deal with it before it becomes a big thing.

{{RightInsert|"To listen properly, a servant’s attitude and posture is necessary. It requires us to put our whole inner and outer man at another person’s disposal, saying: ‘Your interests, concerns, problems, successes, or failures are more important than mine. I will listen to whatever you have to say as long as it is biblically proper. I will allow you to express yourself fully. I yield myself to you. Let’s focus on what is most important to you rather than on what is most important to me.’<REF>Wayne Mack, ''Your Family, God’s Way'' (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1991), p. 170.</REF>" '''— Wayne Mack'''}}'''Working through conflict.''' Conflicts may involve mere differences or genuine offense, and understanding the distinction is critical. Whichever it is, the following process will help you begin to find resolution. As you go through this process, keep in mind that your three-fold goal is to solve the problem, grow closer ''in'' the process, and become more godly ''through'' the process. Personal victory is ''not'' the goal, for this will neither bless your friend nor please God.

First, evaluate the conflict. Does it involve sin, or a mere disagreement over some personal preference? Here, there is no better wisdom regarding the attitude we are to have than James 1:19: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening is the first, second, and third step we should take. This includes getting a grasp on the issues from both a material perspective (what happened) and a heart perspective (how it made each of you feel). It also involves trying to get a better understanding of the other person, to gain sympathy and compassion for him or her.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Have you ever said something that you immediately regretted? Before you invest in a muzzle, try memorizing Proverbs 10:19.}}Next, stay on the subject. Cover only one issue at a time. Review what happened, not your assessment of the other person’s motives and character (such assessments are often sinful and inaccurate). Also, do not—in an effort to “win points”—bring up incidents from the past that you have already forgiven.

When the time does come to speak, speak only that which will lead to understanding and resolution. Bring an attitude of respectful  inquiry. Don’t accuse, vent anger, or give voice to your self-pity (which is sin). Paul’s counsel is sound: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Here, dealing with your own faults first and foremost will help greatly.

=== Confronting Sin in Others ===

Whether we have been sinned against on a given occasion, or become aware that a fellow believer has a pattern of sin in his life, confrontation may be in order. To confront is “to bring face to face.” Here, confrontation is the process of getting face to face with someone to help him see a particular sin in his life or to work through conflict and offense and bring forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a right and a wrong way to do this.

In the case of a personal offense, the wrong way might go something like this. In the middle of your small-group meeting Joe{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' Read James 5:19-20. As you can see, the benefits of correcting a friend far outweigh the tension it may cause at first.}} interrupts while you are speaking. You go ballistic! “I’m sick and tired of you interrupting me all the time. You are the most insensitive, inconsiderate jerk I have ever met! You are so proud that you think what you have to say is more important than what anyone else is saying. I’ve been teasing you about this for months but you have never gotten the hint, so now let me tell you right to your face in front of everybody. You owe me an apology and I demand it right now!…I’m waiting!” This approach probably won’t be fruitful.

{{LeftInsert|"Confrontation can be very difficult, and many avoid it. But what wasted time could be redeemed in our lives if faithful friends started telling us some truths about ourselves.<REF>Terry Virgo, ''Restoration in the Church'' (Columbia, MO: Cityhill Publishing, 1989), p. 72.</REF>" '''— Terry Virgo'''}}What is the right way? The Scriptures lay out several principles to follow when confronting someone about sin.

First, determine if it is necessary to confront. You will need different standards for different situations.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” It is not necessary to go to someone every time you are offended. If you are able, you can forgive and go on with a person without any negative effect on the relationship. But you may not simply chicken out. The incident must be resolved in your heart and mind. (If you have an open conflict it must be addressed—you can’t just let these pass without resolution and reconciliation.)

In the final analysis, you must confront if you find that 1) you are unable to get the incident out of your mind, 2) you are unable to have a normal relationship with the person who has offended or sinned against you, or 3) you believe someone has something against you but is not coming to you—you don’t have to know what it is, just that the person seems to be acting differently toward you.

When a friend is sinning and you believe you need to speak to him, you should ask yourself: Is this sin a pattern? Is it so serious that it needs immediate attention? Is this God’s timing for me to confront? Am I the one to confront in this case? (These last two are not loophole questions for avoiding what you know you need to do.)

In general, you ought to confront when you believe the sin is ongoing and serious and when, in prayer, you do not sense that your attitudes and motives are wrong. Always remember that God is working on things in the other person’s life as well. When you are called to confront you are called to come alongside the work the Holy Spirit is already doing in his life—not to be the Holy Spirit.

{{LeftInsert|"Terms not only describe; they interpret. When we use a word such as gossip, many biblical images and exhortations come to mind—as well they should. When we try to describe the same activity in a more ‘neutral’ fashion, what we really do is describe it in an unbiblical way. God’s descriptive categories are not neutral.... ‘Neutrality’ is really a surrender to unbelief. It is a refusal to speak and think from God’s perspective.<REF>E. Bradley Beevers, “Watch Your Language,” ''The Journal of Biblical Counseling'', Vol. XII, No. 3, Spring 1994, p. 25.</REF>" '''— E. Bradley Beevers'''}}Second, define the problem. What are you confronting him about? What did he do or say? What sin is involved? What is the impact? How does he need to change? Defining the problem will help you be clear and concise when you go to confront him. Make sure you define things biblically, for it is Scripture alone—not our own thoughts and feelings— that is “God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2Ti 3:16-17).

Third, get the log out of your own eye. If you are confronting someone who has sinned against you, you will often find your own sin has contributed. If you are confronting another about a particular sin, Scripture warns you to be aware of your own sins and temptations in this same area (see Galatians 6:1). This isn’t to say you ought not to confront, only that you are not to confront until you first examine your own heart and clear your own conscience. This will enable you to confront in humility and the fear of the Lord, increasing your effectiveness in bringing reconciliation, repentance, and resolution.

{{RightInsert|'''For Further Study:''' To see what Jesus said about removing logs from our eyes, turn to Matthew 7:1-5.}}Self-examination can also help in another way. You might have become offended without there having been an offense—rather, someone may merely have done something to expose your selfishness or pride (you may think you are just “overly sensitive”). Likewise, you have to take care not to confront people about what you think is sin just because you don’t appreciate some aspect of their personality. In such cases, you can start out confronting someone and end up in confession and repentance.

{{RightInsert|'''Meditate on 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12.''' Paul spoke some  pretty strong words to the churches…but what was the attitude of his heart?}}Fourth, prepare your heart. This involves three things. Make sure your motives are right—to glorify God, turn your brother or sister from sin, and be reconciled. (In other words, not to win your case, straighten them out, put them in their place, or relieve your irritation.) Make sure your attitudes are right—gentleness, patience, humility, and genuine concern for the welfare of others. Finally, pray— for  effectiveness in communicating your concerns; for the person’s heart to be prepared to receive; and for God’s grace for repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation.

Fifth, confront. Ultimately, God’s grace will determine the effectiveness of any confrontation. However, there are several things you can do to make times of confrontation more effective.

{{LeftInsert|'''3''' Proverbs 18:13 and 18:17 help explain why it is that, when we think a brother or sister has sinned against us, we need to approach him or her with a humble and teachable heart. Read these passages, then write a sentence in the space below that expresses the essence of what these two verses say about us

.}}Speak to the person privately.

Plan for an atmosphere where distractions will be minimal so you can fully concentrate on the issues at hand.

Affirm your genuine affection for the person before you begin confronting.This isn’t to somehow soften him up for the kill but to set a proper tone for your meeting. You are there to speak the truth…but in love (Eph 4:15). Many times I have seen the entire atmosphere of a meeting change when I began to communicate my love for the person even while confronting his sin.

Share your perceptions as honestly and clearly as possible. Use biblical language when explaining behaviors or sins (for example, say “pride” instead of “self-esteem”). Don’t try to build an airtight case with mountains of evidence—you aren’t a prosecutor seeking a conviction.

Maintain a spirit of inquiry. Don’t assume your observations and conclusions are infallible and you know all the facts and motives involved. Recently, I had to confront a friend based on some concerns about his behavior. I communicated my concerns and asked for his perspective. Getting “the rest of the story” revealed the concerns were unfounded. He then told me how, the night before, someone had confronted him about the same issues but with guns blazing, accusations flying, and assumptions ruling. My friend obviously appreciated the difference. Your friends will appreciate it, too.

Offer biblical counsel and solutions. Be prepared to present an appropriate course of action. Try to help the person formulate a plan to resist temptation or be accountable. If you don’t feel capable of doing this yourself, refer him to your smallgroup leader or a pastor in your church.

Provide sufficient time, if necessary, for him to think through what you have presented— don’t demand an immediate response.

Pray with and for the person.

Finally, follow up. Too often we confront but fail to make sure our confrontation was effective and the results lasting. If things went well, follow up within a couple of days to express affection and appreciation for your friend’s response and to find out how things have been going in the process of change. This is also a good time to see if he has any questions or further thoughts on the things you shared. He may even request that you serve him by holding him accountable as he seeks to change.

If things did not go well or if he asked for some time  to consider what you said, follow up to see what progress has been made. He may choose not to respond to your correction. If that happens, don’t give up. Proceed to the next level of confrontation Jesus laid out for us: “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’” (Mt 18:16). While other passages discussed in this chapter specify the crucial heart attitudes we are to take into each such confrontation, Matthew 18:15-17 provides the practical steps we must follow when facing a difficult confrontation.

 

== Notes ==

<references />

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-07T00:10:50Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-06T23:59:35Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-06T23:45:37Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-06T23:42:03Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-06T23:32:13Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-06T23:29:54Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-06T23:23:04Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-06T23:20:14Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-06T23:14:40Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-06T23:12:38Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-05-06T23:04:24Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-04-30T01:09:56Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-04-30T00:45:33Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-04-30T00:43:34Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-04-30T00:34:25Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-04-30T00:32:02Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-04-30T00:19:45Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-04-30T00:19:02Z

Lydiaclaire:

Why Small Groups?/The Art of Care and Correction

2008-04-30T00:11:04Z

Lydiaclaire: