Why Small Groups?/Never Say Comfortable

From Gospel Translations

No doubt you’ve heard the expressions many times: “Find your comfort level”...“What are you comfortable with?”... “As comfortable as an old pair of shoes.”

We love our comfort, don’t we? Our urge to pursue pleasure is deep and universal. Yet there are many places in our lives where God desires to put this urge to death. This may sound harsh, but I know from personal experience—including many confrontations over my own love of comfort—that it is true. Small groups can provide excellent opportunities for us to die to excessive love of comfort by embracing the changes and challenges God brings our way.

One day many years ago, our pastor announced a change in the small-group strategy. For a year we had been leading our small-group members into closer relationships. It had been a lot of work, but we had made real progress, and several new believers were attending. Exciting things were taking place in these new Christians’ lives. Now, due to a new approach to small groups, there would be some reorganization. As leaders, we might have some of the same folks in our “new” groups, but things were definitely going to change.

We had an expression back then (used when someone was about to get yanked through a keyhole): “Constant change is here to stay.” I hated that expression. And I did not like the new strategy my pastor was adopting.

What was I experiencing? The challenge of change, made worse by selfishness and a prideful attitude. In my view, we had worked hard to get our group to a healthy place, and now had to let it go. The lesson here is how easily small-group leaders (and members) can become self-absorbed and territorial. We can forget that small groups are intended to serve the goals of the local church—that they are not ends in themselves. There are higher purposes than just “our group.”

The approach to small groups in our church has matured over the years. Some of these changes have posed challenges to our comfort levels. Even simple things such as a renewed emphasis on evangelism, the addition of new people, changes in leadership, or some other shift in membership can seem unwelcome. Without keeping the mission of the local church in view, small groups become isolated and ingrown.

Make Way for New People!

Small groups are often very effective in providing members with care and true fellowship. It is not uncommon to see close bonds of friendship form within groups, especially if the groups are pursuing biblical fellowship. Could there be anything wrong with something as good and as scriptural as this? Can there be too much of a good thing? Sometimes, yes. Even biblical fellowship, when pursued with the wrong motives, can tempt us to adopt false priorities.

My neighbor recently found termites all over his living room rug, and swarms of them in his yard (the yard right next to mine!). I’m hoping pest-control efforts have permanently solved the problem. But as scary a sight as swarms of termites may be, these vermin are far more dangerous when they remain unseen. A home infested with termites can look perfectly normal on the outside, yet all the while the structure is being weakened.

Something similar can happen with small groups. Just as homeowners must stay on the lookout for termites, small- group members must be on guard against koinonitis, that deadly foe of healthy groups and healthy churches. This strange word is a humorous extension of the term koinonia, the New Testament Greek word for biblical fellowship.

“Koinonitis” is a kind of “disease” we catch when we start loving koinonia too much—for example, to the exclusion of evangelism—and thus become ingrown and selfish. This sinful tendency must be resisted wholeheartedly. There must always be room in our hearts to embrace those whom God is adding to us, without any sense of intrusion or inconvenience. Indeed, small groups are excellently suited to evangelizing the lost and discipling new believers.

In the small group. In our church (for the reasons set forth in Chapter One), we ask that our members be involved in a small group. This expectation is communicated in our literature, our messages, our church membership course, and elsewhere. Therefore, we try to make it easy for new people to become involved in this aspect of church life. Yet there are some natural obstacles.

Imagine you are going to a small-group meeting for the first time and you don’t know anyone, or maybe just one or two people. Most people find it intimidating to walk into a house full of strangers. Guests don’t always know what to anticipate or what is expected of them. I know of a man who thought the dress code was fairly formal for small-group meetings, so he wore his Sunday best. He felt awkward as the members of the group arrived very casually dressed.

A group that has met for any length of time develops its own culture (some very bizarre, I might add)—a “local dialect,” certain food rituals, inside jokes, even possibly its own time zone (for example, a starting time of 7:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time may be the equivalent of 7:20 p.m. Eastern Small Group Time)! It’s easy for first-timers to feel uncomfortable.

In addition, our lives become busy. We develop patterns of socializing that may leave little room for newcomers to the small group—a regular “family time,” sports activities, children’s play time, coffee together. These are good and valuable, but we must guard against any appearance of becoming “cliquish” or exclusive in our behavior and attitudes. These things are sin and have no place in our small groups.

Consequently, all of us must reject the selfish tendency to gravitate only toward those in our group whom we know best...to sit by the same people and talk about our common interests—sports, hobbies, our children, whatever. Over time it’s easy to settle into comfortable relationships, even feeling some annoyance at newcomers or, for that matter, anyone in the group who might dare to break our routine. In fact, sometimes believers can treat newcomers to the church as if they are somehow unworthy of our attention. The root of this tendency is self-centeredness—yet Scripture charges us to think of others as more important than ourselves (Php 2:3).

A church is not to be a closed culture, but a place of life and hope for the desperate. As the church, we are called to disciple the nations, welcoming all who will enter. What do you do—personally—to ensure guests feel welcome at your meetings? Are guests simply the leader’s responsibility or do you take it upon yourself, whatever your role in the group, to get involved? (Any signs of koinonitis?) Here are some suggestions.

• Greet guests and invite them to be a part of your conversation by introducing them to others in the group. “Ed, have you met Mike yet? This is his first time here.”
• Consider how to involve guests in your activities during the week. “Hey Mike—a bunch of the guys are going to watch the game tomorrow night at my house. Can you come over and hang out with us?”
• Take an interest in their lives and care for them. Find out about their world and if there are ways to serve them through prayer, practical help, or encouragement.

Next, ask yourself these questions about your friendships:

• How long has it been since I included someone new in my regular activities?
• Do others feel welcome to become involved in my conversations and activities?
• What steps have I taken to include someone new in what I’m doing?
• Am I willing to widen my circle of relationships?
• If not, why?

Paul appeals to us to “look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Php 2:4). Are we willing to share our friends and ourselves with new people? (Any signs of koinonitis yet?)

At the Sunday meeting. When people visit a church for the first time, they may face hurdles no less difficult than those of first-time visitors to a small group. Will the pastor and message be orthodox, understandable, and relatable? What style of worship music is played there? What ministries are available for children and teens?

For better or worse, churches answer one critical question for guests almost immediately: “Will there be room for me here?” Consider the following issues.

• What kind of welcome will visitors receive when they are identified?
• Will someone go out of his way to greet them warmly?
• Will someone help them find their way around the building?
• Will anyone build a relational bridge through an invitation to lunch or a follow-up visit or telephone call?

Please don’t answer these questions hastily. Ask them again—and ask them of yourself, not just of your church. How are you really doing in these areas? When was the last time you took the initiative toward a guest?

The responsibility for welcoming new people falls on every church member. Through our attitudes and actions, we can “tell” people that our church simply has no room for them. When we do this, new people look elsewhere, or they may give up on church altogether. We must personally, actively, make room for new people. A large percentage of those who decide to stay in a church have been the recipients of someone’s personal interest and initiative. Do you feel personal responsibility to welcome and include guests in the life of the church? (Look again, any signs of koinonitis yet?)

Many Hands Make Light Work

The small-group leader is limited in his capacity to care effectively for everyone. I recently spoke with a small-group leader’s wife who said poignantly, “It’s so exhausting to be the only one reaching out....”

Fortunately, in this case those words expressed a contrast with the past. A number of people from several small groups had gone out of their way to welcome a foreign student. The student returned to his home country challenged by the gospel and by the love he had felt from so many in our church. But my guess is that countless small-group leaders have uttered the same sort of statement—out of frustration: “It’s so exhausting to be the only one....”

No heroes necessary. When you do help out, how do you perceive your own acts of service? When everyone pitches in with the right attitude, a group can make a tremendous impact. Make this your goal. Make it the status quo in your group.

I have a friend who was a U.S. Army Airborne Ranger infantry officer. Although he was already an infantry officer when he applied to Ranger School, at some point—like all Rangers—he made the decision that being a “regular” army guy was not enough...that the intense additional training needed to be a Ranger was worth the effort... that jumping out of an airplane would be fun...that being thrown into the most demanding and dangerous combat situations was not just a job, but an adventure!

Too often, I consider myself some kind of “Special Forces” soldier, a “breed apart” because of some puny act of service that challenged me in some small way! We can all be tempted to feel this way about serving others. But that’s just pride—because serving people is normal New Testament Christianity, not some elite operation requiring heroic effort.

Personal growth through caring. As you get to know new people in your small group, you are likely to find yourself passing on to them some insight or wisdom regarding the Christian life. It just happens that way. But even on such informal occasions, difficult questions can arise that have no easy answers. And that’s often OK—God stretches us at times. Needs of others in the small group teach us to put our love into action. Again, Paul tells us that we are “called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather serve one another in love” (Gal 5:13).

Obviously, not everyone is able to handle all situations. But as the needs of new folks arise, our own heart attitudes are revealed. Will we accept inconvenience in order to serve? People confronted with meeting a practical need or trying to share an insight on a difficult issue grow as a result of making themselves available. Do we belong to a small group because as a member we are served and blessed—or because we recognize God’s call to serve others? When our focus is on the second reason, the first will take care of itself.

In fact, as responsibility for the care of newcomers is distributed throughout the group, members who come into a “caring” role can experience great personal growth as they are tested and challenged. Among other things, selfishness is revealed and, ideally, confronted. Comfort levels are stretched, and maturity levels rise. Serving others, in whatever capacity, makes us more like Christ!

Several years ago a family in our church was in a horrible auto accident. The husband, wife (seven months pregnant), and their two young sons were injured. The couple lost their baby and the wife suffered through a lengthy recovery from her injuries. Their small group, along with the church, responded unselfishly to meet practical needs, pray, and provide comfort. Not only did this couple receive effective care, but the wife’s parents were deeply moved by the example of Christianity they saw. Their response was, “There really are caring and loving people in church.”

Neighbors were amazed by the house-cleaning crews, provision of meals, and sheer number of friends showing up. In a dramatic demonstration of Christianity, a small group took practical, loving action and the members grew in Christ-likeness.

Starting New Groups

It’s an unsettling experience. Maybe you’ve been there, too. One day some time ago I began pulling on my favorite pants, only to discover, to my dismay, that there was more me than there was pants. Without my ever noticing, the ol’ body had subtly begun moving south. (Whenever I tell this story, certain friends question my use of the term “subtly.” In their concern for accuracy, they also note that, technically speaking, this was not an unsettling experience, but one involving a settling of my mid-section.)

The pants problem was one of capacity. Those particular pants were made for someone approximately the size I had once been! We see a similar dynamic at work in small groups—all have a certain capacity. When the natural capacity is exceeded, discomfort follows. The level of care and overall effectiveness of a small group can diminish greatly if the group grows too large. An oversized group often produces frustrated members who may drift away from involvement. Suddenly the group grows smaller again—but for the wrong reasons!

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References

1. ↑ Charles Bridges, The Christian Ministry (Carlisle, PA: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1991), pp. 129-130.
2. ↑ Jerry Bridges, The Crisis of Caring (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1985), p. 173.